Did He Really Just Ask How Much I Cost?

Written by Sudha Hurley Heil

“How much did you cost?!” 

I remember thinking to myself in disbelief, Is he trying to bully me? Is he trying to make me laugh? Did he really just ask me how much I cost? 

I was raised by two loving moms who openly discussed adoption and connected me with other Nepalese adoptees. However, it was still filled with challenges stemming from broader societal narratives. 

I am now a sophomore at Syracuse and am still thinking about this question. If someone were to ask me this question today how would I respond? I would like to think I would raise hell. Somehow, it’s become an adoptee’s responsibility to educate someone on how ignorant their words are.

Navigating the adoptee experience in public discourse is like threading through a labyrinth of misconceptions and uninformed questions. Too often, the adoptee experience is romanticized or oversimplified. 

When I discovered The Adoptee Mentoring Society (AMS), it was the first place I felt a spark ignite in me to support other adopted people and speak truly freely. 

AMS became a sanctuary to me in many ways - a space where I could verbalize the blatant racism that I have experienced and dissect the mindless questions that have been hurled at me over the years. Becoming an ambassador for an organization that profoundly altered my perspective as an adoptee was a no-brainer.

Having adoptees speak about their journeys themselves is the initial step towards sharing these experiences with ignorant individuals with one another, enabling us to confront and refute such comments, even though this burden should not fall on us.

During my ambassadorship, I hope to educate the public on respectful language and etiquette when engaging with adoptees and talking about their journey. This proactive approach empowers adoptees to assert their narratives and fosters an environment where curiosity can coexist with sensitivity and empathy.

Throughout my journey at AMS, I’ve found courage in sharing my story, knowing it helps others feel less alone in their experiences. From training mentors to participating in Fireside Chats to being an ambassador for AMS, I aim to create a more inclusive society where adoptees no longer face ignorant questions.

I am now confidently “raising hell” by advocating for systemic changes. I am speaking out against the family tree assignments that are often required in grade school. I am supporting other adoptees to know that they shouldn’t have to say to their doctor, ‘No, I don't have any information about my family's health history,’ No adoptee should ever feel obligated to share their story if they don’t feel comfortable.