My A-ha! Moment
“Decision”
Adam’s original artwork: A mother figure trying to make a difficult decision, or possibly regretting the one she has already made:
Being an adoptee embarking on a reunion feels like stepping into a world of raw vulnerability—a feeling I’m not used to. I’ve built walls so high they seemed unshakable, but now, faced with so many unknowns and truths, it’s like navigating thin ice. My heart wants to leap forward, but caution pulls me back; every step feels precarious, as if one misstep could fracture everything beneath me and send me tumbling into the unknown.
For a long time after my birth family found me, people around me kept saying, “Adam, you’ve changed. You’re different! What happened?” As an introvert, I wondered if they were noticing my newfound openness. Despite their observations, I remained calm and cool, holding onto a secret I wasn’t ready to share. I needed time to process and decide when I’d let others into this deeply personal journey.
I liken the land of adoptees to a dark and vast forest, twisting and turning with seemingly no way out. Through my experience I have finally caught a glimmer – a ray of light streaming through the leaves – and I have felt the impulse to point it out. That beacon of hope compels me to share my experiences—the challenges, breakthroughs, and transformative moments—with others in similar situations. Guiding someone toward healing transforms my pain into purpose. If my journey can help illuminate even a single path, then all of it—the struggle, the hurt, and the discovery—feels deeply worthwhile. It is a way to transmute the pain into healing.
And that brings me to my present—not just the time, but the act of truly being here, honest and open. I'm getting to know my birth mother, whom I now call Mamá, and my siblings through video chats. I've realized that meeting them one day has to be grounded in truth. Only then can I fully embrace all the new emotions and information flooding in. This honesty has revealed a missing piece of myself, one I now choose to embrace fully. For the first time, I truly own my story.
I’m blessed that, so far, in building and navigating these new relationships I have been showered in warmth. I live for the “apapachos” over text, one of the most beautiful words in Spanish meaning an expression of affection that goes beyond physical contact, it reaches the soul. It’s something that I never knew before. Although a guilt still lingers within me it’s starting to fade. The guilt stems from knowing that my adoptive parents loved me and tried to understand my experience, but I think that is akin to asking someone to breathe underwater. It’s just not possible.
Had it not been for the Adoptee Mentoring Society, I can’t really tell you how much longer I would have stayed silent. The Adoptee Lounges, 1:1 Mentoring sessions and the other adoptees I met encouraged me to take the bull by the horns. Seeing these brave people posting their writings and linking these outlets of expression has become a favorite part of my week and a main source for my inspiration. I look people in the eye now, where before, my gaze went astray. It seems that all it takes for any adoptee is one Aha! moment to be led to the realization that the road back to oneself isn’t external, but inside each and every one of us. My Aha! moment was when I finally let go of being “let go of.” That was my power activation.
Upon reflection, I realize that I haven’t really changed at all, but rather I am finally me! I am building genuine connections within our community which is an invaluable form of catharsis. As a result, I have become more upfront with everyone in my life. My next step is to apply this learning to deciding what I want in terms of searching, finding and potentially meeting my biological father. He and mamá have not been together for a very long time. Do I really want to meet him? Well, I’m in no rush because knowing myself better in these ways has resulted in my feeling fulfilled and safe for the most part. The old sense of urgency subsided. Should I choose to go that route, I know there is a support system in place and the Adoptee Mentoring Society provides me with a community of people pointing the way as I move on down the road.
Adam Esparza (he/him) is a creative professional drawn to visual arts and writing as expressions of his love for detail and broader perspective of the bigger picture. He loves museums. A proud New Yorker, Adam balances his metropolitan taste with moments of peace in nature. He values meaningful connections, thoughtfully investing energy into relationships and advocating for self-discovery and fulfillment. Featured on the Adoption: The Making of Me podcast in December 2024, he shared his adoptee perspective, affirming the importance of speaking openly about adoption. Adam embraces change as a positive force and seeks to inspire others to unlock their potential. Hear Adam’s story on The Making of Me episode, Adam: The Road Back to Oneself.